Miraculous Conception?

With all the travel, stress, papers to write, family crises, etc. in June, I wasn't surprised that my body clock was a bit off and I was moody. Hormonal that is. Grumpy, bloated, tired, headachey, horny. My period seemed imminent for weeks and I hoped it would get a move-on and be done already. Paul kept smiling, saying, "but what if it doesn't come?." "It will, it will" I'd retort, smiling. But it didn't. On June 28th I took a home pregnancy test and it was negative. Proof then, I'm not. I was surprisingly sad. I never used to want to have kids, as I'd figured I'd be off running around the world saving those who were already here, focusing on the universe as my family. However, as I've aged I've thought more and more about having kids, fascinated by the bond between child and parent, wanting to give love to others, to create the big happy bubbling family I didn't have. At times the urge to procreate has been quite strong, and it has been moreso since I've been in a stable relationship, and happy, happiness makes me want to give more love and energy to others, but it's been in the realm of fantasy, and the reality of my situation, finances etc., usually tempers the urge and I realize I that I like the freedom I have now have. I mentioned to a mom friend how Paul and I will often have dinner by candlelight with a little jazz playing or that we like to pop out for a late dinner at the restaurants down the street on the spur of the moment and maybe do a little dancing. These things seemed luxurious to her, and I thought. Hmm. they are nice. Nevertheless, being around other happy families does make me a bit clucky. Paul's cousins live here in Melbourne, and spending time with the big close Italian family always makes us a bit more mushy.

My period still didn't show so on July 2nd I tried another home test, and this time it was positive. A week later a blood test confirmed I was 6 or 7 weeks along. I was (and am) very happy with the idea of becoming a mom. I suspect it will teach me how to love and give of myself on a whole new level, and I welcome the challenges it will bring, both as a parent and as a partner. Paul and I have only been together since October, so our union is new and even in these last months we've grown a great deal, out of necessity I suppose! I like to focus on what a gift this life is and what a gift it will be to have a little one in it. We'll see it as another one of our crazy adventures.

The first few weeks I was in an ecstatic hormonal bliss. I've never before felt so amazing despite nausea, headaches, fatigue, and constipation. My thoughts were pervaded by baby and I've never been so happy. I was so in love with life. Then things started to regulate a little, I still had the physical issues, but calmed down and could focus on other things in life as well, like school work. Now I'm entering my second trimester and feel loads better but now have to focus and work work work, since I need to both finish my thesis by March (thesis and baby are due about the same time) and create an income stream from home. Both are underway, but it will be a busy 6 or 7 months. Paul is similarly working away, poor guy is stressed having a daughter about to start college and baby on the way! He says he willed this to happen though. He knew I was preggo before I did, and says he thinks he knows the conception date, from just a 'feeling" so who knows maybe he is right.

Actually, according to the docs, conception is estimated to be 2 weeks after the first day of the last menstrual cycle. For me that day was the day I spent at Sravasti Abbey! I said, "that's impossible!" but I guess sperm can wait around a while for an egg to drop. Still, that was almost a week after I had last been with Paul and some 5 days or so until I''d see him again. Miraculous if true, and I'd think unlikely. However, the day after I went to the abbey, I went to my Chinese Doctor in Seattle who is so good he borders on being psychic. He asked me where I was in my cycle, and said he detected hormonal changes. When I said the middle, he said, "Maybe you're ovulating." Possibly I was, possibly I had just conceived. Since then he keeps insisting to my mom that I will have kids so I think maybe he knew. Whether it's accurate or not I like the idea that I conceived at the abbey while meditating or spending time with nuns. If I understand it correctly, Buddhist scripture says that the state of the mind of the parents at conception is what determines the kind of mind that is attracted to them, so the kind of mindset the child will have. Besides, it just seems like the best type of energy to be in during that creation moment. Good vibes.

So now I'm about 13 weeks along (they also count from the first day of the last period even though the baby wasn't conceived until two weeks later) and the babe has most of its bits now, just needs to grow grow grow. I think I'm showing but Paul says, "what belly?" "where?" "Mine is bigger than yours!" I have however gained 5 kilos (11 pounds) already, which is a bit excessive, so I am bigger, all around. My cravings have seemed to intensify, and they're mostly nostalgic. I crave foods I haven't eaten in 20 years, and think of people I haven't seen in 25. I had a dream the night before last that I was at campfire camp and people from my high school showed up. Last night it was some of my Tibetan friends along with some people I went to elementary school with. Luckily some of my cravings will go unfulfilled because they just don't exist in Australia. I normally eat whole foods, as much organic as I can (when I can afford it) and am pretty healthy, skipping processed and packaged foods, but yesterday I really wanted Kraft Mac and Cheese. Good thing the supermarket didn't have it. I was also craving chicken pot pies like I used to get with my grandparents at Claire's Pantry, in Lake City or like Swansons makes frozen. Although the meat pie is an actual food group here, they are quite different, and mostly just beef, so I resorted to making my own. Not as good, but a lot easier to make than I thought. Chicken, peas, carrots, potato, flour, butter, milk (rice milk for me), vegetable stock, cooked and popped in a pie crust and baked. At first I was obsessed with oranges, ate tons of them, and lots of salads, tomatoes, red peppers, cranberry juice (needed vit c maybe?) hmmm and chocolate, and fresh breads, even tried to make chocolate chip cookies but the cookie sheet I bought didn't fit in the oven so we had cookie slices made in a loaf pan, not so good. So, at first they were a little more healthy but now these cravings are for strange things. Like canned pears, Malaysian noodles, sweet and sour tofu, bologna sandwiches, chocolate covered licorice, lentils on pasta, savoury muffins, ice cream...most of these pass before I indulge but I even made beef stroganoff recently, and the other night made quacamole, pico de gallo, and chicken with roasted red peppers and onions, what I could do for a Mexican meal on the fly. Perhaps all of this is just a mighty distraction from my work, because it does keep me busy! I've also been soooo thirsty. Can never drink enough.

Anyway, I'll now get back to my work, but will write more about my strange urges, belly growth and the like as it progresses. Next week I have my first meeting with the obstetrician and midwifes so may have more scoop then. Until then, be well and happy.

Love,

Renee